The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Finding Your Own Clover

Recently, I read the quote, “What somebody thinks is none of my business.” There are plenty of other quotes on the walls in their office, but this one just really stuck with me. I thought about it a lot over the following days. So much, that now I’m going to write about it.

Here I am, over three years into therapy. I have undertaken a profound journey of self-discovery. It’s been an uphill battle, a struggle to figure out how my past has shaped my present and ultimately learning that how my present can shape my future. That’s what really matters.

Well, what I learned these past couple years is that I am a people pleaser. Was. Was a people pleaser. Occasionally, traces of it still surfaces – old habits die hard, after all. It’s hard to break characteristics that have been so engrained in you for your whole life.

Being the youngest of four, I inadvertently developed a keen sense of observation, learning not just what to do and what not to do, but also how to navigate social dynamics, often through the lens of trying to make everyone happy.

Learning about this people pleasing characteristic has really been huge in my life. I realized that I cared so much about what other people thought and how they felt. If I was invited to go somewhere, I made sure other people would be okay if I was there. If I was having a party or going somewhere, I would ensure that everyone was invited. And I mean everyone.

When speaking in conversations with other people, I would tend to just nod my head and agree with what they said because I didn’t want to “rock the boat” or I worried about how my response might upset them. And when I did respond in a way that made their tone change or their body language change, I thought about it for days, weeks, months, even years in some cases. I just wanted other people to be happy. I wanted them to be taken care of. I wanted them to ultimately like me.

But what did this do to me? How did being a people pleaser affect me all these years later?

 It made me lose track of my true self. I wasn’t really being me. I wasn’t really showing up in conversations the way that I wanted to because I was worrying about other people all the time. It’s exhausting, it’s tiring, and it really takes a toll on your soul when you can’t figure out the things you want in life.

So, where am I now? I am well on my way to happiness. On my way to finding my clover. Over the past few years I have learned more about myself than I think I ever have before. I can sit down and when somebody asks me how I’m feeling, I can actually tell them without looking at the feelings wheel.

Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar boat, feeling the weight of others’ expectations or the constant need for external validation. It’s a heavy burden, isn’t it?

It’s a relief to be able to answer the question “what do you want?” in conversations. To show up as my true, authentic self. And you know what? I like who I am. I hope you do too. But if not, that’s okay, because, what somebody thinks is none of my business.

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